Growing Up Knowing There Is Just One.Right.Decision
I was a happy child. Parents who still love each other, grannies who spoil you, younger brother to tease. When I think back to my childhood, I guess my biggest sorrows were not having a dog and not having a barbie doll. Dogs mess things up and barbies are way too American, you know.
Not having any children of my own, I can only guess that every parent has ideas and hopes for how his kid would turn out. I guess it was true in my case, only my parents took it to the next level. They had not only ideas and hopes, but a very clear set of “shoulds” for every year of my life. I should be in the top of the class at school, I should be good in math in particular, I should be practicing piano every day, I should not have much free time in the afternoons. Growing up in this atmosphere (still full of love), I knew that in every step I took there is the right way to do that step. The only right way.
Deciding between language and math specialisation in high school? For sure the right decision is math, regardless me of me being the top one of the regional English competition three years in a row. Deciding between classical music school and contemporary style dance school? For sure the right decision is music school, regardless of me being passionate for dancing. Deciding for a degree? For sure the economics major, regardless of me dreaming of becoming an interpreter.
As a child and teenager growing up in a very stiff environment, you want to rebel and actually you do. But you fear taking the wrong decision so much that after bursting out and rebelling for a while (sometimes a long while, including packing your suitcase and threatening to go live with your aunt), you go back to what is supposed to be right. What gives you a feeling of certainty, what you parents see as the right decision to take. They want only the best for you, they want you to succeed, they want you to be happy. And they decide on what is right for you based on their own views and years of experiences. So the best possible decision in their view is then communicated as the only right decision to you.
Growing up like this with no doubt gives you a feeling of a cage. At the same time, it gives you certainty and comfort. You don’t have to make your own choices and your own decisions. More or less, they are already taken for you. You make your own experiences that might be different from the ones your parent had, you might develop in the different direction, and when you feel that happening you get a feeling of freedom. But that sip of freedom is followed by a greater feeling of uncertainty and fear. Until now you haven’t taken any decision on your own, you let yourself be guided and advised by your parents. They want only the best for me, right? So when it comes to taking an important decision, their opinion has a much greater weight than yours. How often have I had this heavy feeling inside…
…head is racing, you know you want something, you believe it is what you want, but the parents are saying something different, so is your belief still the right one? Don’t they know it all better? They might. Probably they do. But I want to have my own choice. But why is my choice different form theirs, from the right one? Do I have the courage to take my own decision? No.
It’s not just the childhood and teenage years. You are a grown up one day and there is a decision to be taken. You brainstorm a lot, you make yes/no lists, you discuss with your friends. But you find it extremely difficult to find that only one right decision. You might not even realize it but deep inside your head (is that subconsciousness what they call it?) you know you don’t have to find that decision, all you need to do is call your parents. And during our call I will rebel against their proposed decision and name a hundred reasons why they are not right. But in the end, I won’t have the guts to go against their opinion. What if I am wrong? What if I fail? What if I haven’t considered all the facts and facets? Well, in the end I take my parents’ right decision and if it doesn’t work out, at least I will blame them and not myself.
And then one day everything changes. You are again sitting in front of your yes/no list feeling stuck, or you are super motivated about doing something but are afraid, and you call your parents. But you hear something you have not heard before: “you know better what to do”. Eh, nope, I don’t. And you feel angry at them or you feel empty, or you feel both. How can you find the right decision? What if you take a wrong one? In this changing moment you search for a courage to take your own decision, courage you have not found in yourself until now. I felt unsure, scared about the consequences, scared if my decision is a wrong one. But it was mine.
It’s a beautiful moment of growth, of learning yourself better. It’s like discovering a superpower within you that you didn’t know you have. And you didn’t have to jump into a radioactive pot for that, you just had to get yourself into the situation your parents had no clue about.
